Depressed

 I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I have little to no motivation to do anything unless I absolutely have to. My gas light has been on for the past two days. I don’t feel like stopping. Keep saying that there’s stuff I need to do like laundry. It’s still sitting here staring at me. I have therapy tomorrow so we’ll see what happens. Maybe I can figure it out with her. I’m bored but like I said, I have no motivation to do anything so I just lay here and get frustrated. 

Rage

 I realize today when I was talking to Kanga. They can bring out the rage in me like nobody else. I’ve been struggling the last couple days. I’ve had a lot going on in my brain. I don’t like having to make hard decisions. I also don’t like change, but this whole time I’ve been alive. I dealt with change every day. None of this probably makes sense, but it’s OK. Makes sense to me. I’m not real big on people either. I don’t understand the dynamic of hurting people that you say You love. I don’t even understand violence really it’s so unnecessary. 

Muffin.

 I remember in like nine or 10th grade I used to ride the bus to high school. It was quite a distance away  I met this man. I am a probably 14 or 15-year-old girl naïve. We chitchat a couple times I see him on different days. He tells me he’s a baker at a donut shop. He brings me a muffin one morning of course I didn’t eat it right away. I ate it that afternoon coming home from school on the bus and I had fallen asleep and missed my stop so I had to Walk about a mile and a half to get home, but I’m saying this to say I was probably drugged. 

—@—

 I want to discuss a couple different topics today. First and foremost, lately one of my people does a lot of volunteer work mostly with sick patients. There has been a lot of stuff that has happened and my person was cut out. What I have learned from observing this whole happening. People do not have boundaries. People are greedy people only want to help who they want to help when you’re working in a nonprofit you don’t pick and choose the people that you want to help. It makes me really sad to watch this person go through this because they put their heart and soul into this and it’s been yanked away from them. People portray themselves to be one way and they’re not.

That didn’t go as planned. 

Managed

 So have you ever had someone who was very temperamental and easily triggered? Well I have. When we are together I have to survey the area around us. What am I looking for? Any potential problems ie something/someone in the way. If I can alleviate any extra stress on myself I will do whatever it takes. It’s taxing on the mind, body, and soul. It’s exhausting. 

Place

 So I think a lot people overestimate their importance in other people’s life. I have a couple people in my life right now that the sun rises and sets on them being in everybody’s orbit. It absolutely drives me insane. I understand being confident but this is way beyond that. Everybody look at me!!!!!

Hot!

I cant the heat. Its gross. You constantly sweat. Yuck. 

Father’s Day

 The two most important men from childhood are both gone. Happy Father’s Day to them. To all the fathers out there happy Father’s Day!

Yesterday

 Good God!  Yesterday was exhausting. I spent some time with kanga. I get home and I’m exhausted. They literally suck the life out of me. The real problem is they don’t know realize they are the problem. In all fairness I don’t think it’s all their fault. They have never been loved properly. It breaks my heart for them. 

Life

 I have a lot of trauma. We all have a lot of trauma. It’s all in the way you deal with it. I’ve tried to explain that to my people. If you continue to live or dwell in it you are going to continue to stay there. You have to figure out a way through it(healthy way). I don’t have a degree or any kind of credentials. I’m speaking from experience. I had to learn the hard way. 

I also realized that kanga is the problem. It is not me or anyone else around them. I realized they are a very toxic person who uses looks to make people feel safe. And then boom all sorts of crazy. 

Circle

 My circle is very small. I mean at this point it’s just me! There are a few people I have met recently that have a place in my heart. Toni: you did it. You beat it. Patti: your smile and your laughter make me smile. Kendra: baby girl you will beat this and one day be able to look back and say I did it! Kelly: you by far have the coolest car ever! I’m sure there’s a few more for now  

So now I have some other things that I want to put out there. Why are people so petty, mean, rude and disrespectful?  It’s so unnecessary.

Good morning

 Another day another dollar. I just want to say this I despise fake people. I’m an observer and I see it so much it’s crazy. Another thing I’ve noticed too. Look around you when you are sitting at a light. Does anyone look happy??

On another note I started trying something with the immediate people around me. I keep my business to myself and everything seems clearer and peaceful. Imagine that. 

What do you do when people interrupt your peace?

Mental

 So today I took a mental health day from and people. I think it’s very necessary and important. Monday was hell!!!!and having to listen to kanga rant on about whatever crap they brought on there self. More on that later! I  don’t know if anyone will ever read of any of this but if you do thank you. 

Hello.

 This is about stuff that happens to me in my every day life and I feel like I need to share sometimes or maybe just some things that are been said or done that I feel need to be shared.

With that being said. Welcome to the shit show stay awhile might be fun!